THE PAIN OF FIRSTS AND THE POWER OF PRESENCE

Although my daily routine will change, I do not fear the unknown future. My love for you will continue to expand. You taught me the power of presence. The only thing that matters is this present moment. It took you nearly 9 months to teach me this lesson, and now it’s time for me to integrate it. I am grateful for you Leica boo. Your lesson of presence has allowed me to support my body’s needs and support the little girl inside my nervous system. She grieves, she remembers, she loves, and she rests.  

Saying goodbye was not the hardest part. We could see you were hurting, you had little joy left and the sign of the red cardinal was very clear.

The hardest part was the routine change and all the firsts without you. The first night you didn’t wake us up to take you out, the first morning you weren’t there to greet us with your tap dancing feet, the first time you weren’t there for us to cook you breakfast, the first ride we took without your sweet face staring back in the rearview mirror, the first meal we had without you to share it with, the first time I laid on the Bio mat without you beside me in your bed, the first sauna I took without you laying outside soaking up the radiant heat, the first pizza we had without your excitement, the first time I was alone in the house without you, and the list will continue to go on… I can see clearly, why change is so difficult for us humans, and sometimes doesn’t happen until there is no choice left.  

I am being cautious not to fill this emptiness with work and distractions as our ancestors did. Instead, I am sitting with the emptiness and my sadness and validating that little girl’s feelings; honoring, feeling, and releasing the energy they carry. 

You prepared me for this. You taught me presence and to take one day at a time. To not anticipate or spend time stressing about the past or dress rehearsing the future, instead to listen, to feel, and to follow my heart, it will guide me in the moment. Leica boo, because of your lessons, I will move forward lighter and with an open and expanded heart.

Thank you, baby girl.